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Diminutive Post – Issue 8

Zoom functions perfectly for ageing professor

When Grace, a 21 year old science major logged into her zoom session for what seemed like an ordinary Wednesday lecture she was bewildered to see that it was anything but. Her ageing professor, with 2 PhD’s, 31 years of experience and a Nobel prize nomination had managed to correctly set up a zoom meeting. “Yeah I wasn’t expecting much that morning” say’s Grace, who, at the time, was gearing up for her 4th week of online learning. “It’s not like I’m collecting a mountain of debt and paying for a service or anything so it’s reasonable that professors should struggle with this kind of thing”. With the classes running so smoothly after a mere 4 weeks of trial and error one can only imagine what classes would be like if services, such as Zoom, were easy to use. The only thing that can be said for sure is that knowledge is power!

Fights expected to rise at first sesh back

The government has issued a security warning for the first sesh back about the threat that talent-less boring people will pose at your first party. As none of them have been able to force their lackluster mixing skills on anyone for the last 7 weeks, they are noticeably itching for a chance to ruin a pre-drinks. “If history tells us anything, it’s that whenever there is a limited resource and competition there will always be conflict” Says Prime Minister Ardern. “It’s up to us to prepare for the incoming threat these buzzkilling breathers pose” she added. This conflict will most likely come in the form of two or more local chad’s looking for a spot to show off their newly developed, still shit, mixing skills that they’ve learnt over lock-down. The government has imposed harsh penalties with anyone who is caught saying “one outs” facing fines and anyone buying long whites will be placed on a terror watch-list