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Breather Briefing – Issue 3

I’m all for a little bit of the DnB grind but this week I’d like to recommend something new to the Breathers and Breathettes out there. Let’s ditch the DnB at pre-drinks for a night and go back to some of the classic stuff the boomers rave about. Dave Dobbyn, Chilli Peppers, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Billy Talent, all absolute Dons who have produced some iconic rock tunes to sink some cold brewskis to. My interest first arose in this area after watching Dave absolutely bring the house down at RnV. Ever since then I’ve been longing for a little bit of the original stuff at pre’s. Give it a nudge aye, don’t let icons such as Dave-o slip away from memory. Sesh long and prosper.


Great White Sharks

Oh wow, you’re such a conservationist. Look, the planet is fucked and we are all going to die, don’t get me wrong but that’s a good excuse to get mangled. But don’t pretend like this is saving the planet. I’ll say it, helping the sharks is a great cause, I love sharks, but littering 10 cans on the side of the road while donating 1 cent is going to do three-fifths of fuck all to help them. However, they are a tasty drop and have got that long white feel to them. Not beer but not as pathetic as a cruiser. A decent substitute for harder to drink stuff if you’re entering the twilight of the bender.


Jumper lead bum-run

Jumper lead bum-run involves a group of mates, a pair of your sharpest jumper leads and a set of firm buttocks. First, get into pairs. Now, attach one end of a lead to your partner’s rump. Once this is done, attach the other end to your own behind. All systems are now go, and you are ready to play jumper lead bum run. You must step on the gas and accelerate in opposite directions with the winner being decided by who’s ass the jumper leads have held on to. Now the loser must finish 2 vessels one after another and remain in the competition, the winner is safe from further involvement. Loser is pitted against loser until the ultimate shit cunt is revealed. The loser must now change their name on Facebook to the choice of the group.


EPISODE 2: Buckled in the common room 

Being born in the early days of April meant that I was quite old for my year group. This meant that I was always the first to reach certain milestones. First pubes, first license……. first one to be able to purchase alcohol. With my newly acquired superpowers, one fine Friday interval of my year 13 year I decided to go purchase alcohol for my friends/year group. We all pitched in and I bought a variety of wine and spirits. By variety I mean we had enough alcohol stockpiled to guarantee the tranquilization of at least 4 adult African Elephants until Christmas. Over the next couple of hours, we proceeded to get fucking buckled in the common room. With our head of steam not massive enough by lunch we made our way back to the local bottle shop and got even more piss. We were men and women who were on a mission. After this point, everyone was starting to become severely inebriated. My friends couldn’t stand, I’d begun verbally abusing a year 12 that I hated but I was so maggoted that I didn’t give a flying fuck about what anyone thought, and didn’t care that my morals had gone in the bin with my empties. It was not good. Fast forward 10 minutes and I’m in the deputy head’s office with another teacher watching me. The deputy head says to her “I’ve gotten off the phone with his mother, she’s devastated” I took this with disdain. I responded with “why the fuck would you tell her, Miss, she’s just a fucking fat, racist bitch” not the proudest moment in my high school career but I’ve learnt that we live and die for the sesh, and this is just minor collateral damage along the way.