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Blind Date – Issue 2

He’s a dirtbag pizza chef gracing the blind date with his equally dirtbag-ish charm. She’s a basic English girl with a love of durries and septum piercings. Sparks flew in this perfect demonstration of international relations as things quickly turned steamy on Hood Street.


Sit down, strap yourself in, and call me rainbows end, because this is gonna be the most disappointing ride of your life (although she didn’t think so). I’m sitting here, half an hour before the date, at my flat thinking, “what have i gotten myself into? So as any good student does I turned to Dutch courage, can’t be nervous if I’m as rolled up as uncle toby himself. Was I expecting anything to come of this? No. But am I gonna go for a free feed, drinks and a possibility of a quick one night razzle dazzle? You bet I am. I arrive a couple minutes early and vorteke back a cheeky rona, yes lemon please, miss me with that lime action. Scroll tinder for a bit, gotta keep ya options open im no fool. She arrived about 5 minutes late, fashionably? Well I wouldn’t go that far. But you wouldn’t write about it, I’ve matched with this beezy before on tinder and I was just checking out her profile. Have I sent her an unanswered message? I’m man enough to admit it, yes. Did she care? Absolutely not because she was more keen from the get-go than a dingo at a baby shower. Little did I realise I was conversing with a pommy bastard, and drink after drink the accent got stronger, piercing my ears with the queens bloody English. I’ll give her some credit, she sank a tequila shot, no training wheels, no squirming and absolutely no complaining, so she’s not all bad there. Surely come back to mine for a bit of Happy Gilmore and chill? Nights drawing to a close, may as well aye? Was she ever gonna say no? Absolutely not. On we went to the flat and I’ll tell ya what, I buttered and jammed her toasted crumpets like there was no tomorrow. Gave the Pom a 2 way ticket to bummingham. Little did I know when I dropped her off the next morning she’d left her eyeliner in my room, will she have to come pick it up? Well let’s just wait and see aye.


Prior to this date, I had mentally prepared myself to create marginal chat with an engineering student who has the personality of a brick wall, so you can imagine my surprise walking in to see one of my tinder boys sat at the table. I think we were both very relieved and pleased to be receiving a $100 bar tab for a date that was kind of in the works already. As it was dumplings night at House, we had to order some as it would have been rude not to. When I saw that he knew how to work some chopsticks, I knew I was in for a good night ;). I thought the conversation was really good, we covered a lot of topics and he responded well to my great chat about star signs and the environment (which is a real turn on). He loved a good brag about how he is well-known in Hamilton because of his job and can’t go on a night out without being recognized. It was evident that I was going to have some competition against the 40-year-old cougars who like to hit on him whilst he’s working. I was impressed with his beverage choices and we picked a cocktail for each other as well as knocking back a tequila shot. He told me that Hospo night had been moved to Sunday, which I was a little disappointed about as I reckon we would have been good for a night at Shenanigans.

After over two hours at House and exceeding the bar tab, we thought it was finally time to leave. I think he was a bit gutted that I wasn’t old enough to go to the casino with him but we opted for movies at his flat instead. The only negative of this date was him waking me up at 7am so he could go for a run – unreal. I’ll be careful not to say anything too nice as he has plans for a sushi date with one of my best mates but, if anything, I’d like to thank nexus for helping me bed a Hamilton Celebrity x.