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Bad Sex Blues

Dear Aunty Slut,

I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months now. He’s a bit older than me, and we wanted to take it slow, so held off having sex until we knew we were really into each other. We started sleeping together a month ago, but even though he seems pleased, I think it’s terrible! I love this guy, and I feel shallow for not enjoying the sex but it’s starting to affect my confidence- I’ve even started faking orgasms so he’ll stop jack-hammering me. What do I do?


Dear Disappointed,

It’s not shallow to not be turned on by someone, it’s just honest. It’s important to be sexually compatible with your partner. For women there seems to be an opportune moment to sleep with someone- late enough that they’ll take you seriously but early enough that you know you’re compatible. If anyone ever finds this moment, please let me know, because in my experience you’re more likely to fall on either side of it than you are to get it right.

Good sex can be taught- but my honest advice is to get out now and save yourself the drama. If he’s older and he still hasn’t got his shit together, it’s doubtful he’ll let go of his pride enough to learn how to get you off the way you deserve. The fact that you said he seems happy with the sex and is oblivious (or apathetic) to the fact that you’re not enjoying yourself (because no matter how good an actress you are honey, any man being honest with himself KNOWS) makes me think you’re facing an uphill battle in educating this genius.

But if you really love him, and want to make it work (sigh) the first thing you must, must, MUST do is STOP faking orgasms. As Daisy Loa said: “Society already tells young men that they run the fucking universe – if they can’t turn your cunt into a shooting star then for god’s sake, let them know about it.” Have a frank discussion about what does it for you and what doesn’t. You can phrase it nicely if you want, (“I would really love it if…” or “It really turns me on when you…”) but if you want results, throw down the gauntlet with “I love you, but you’re not getting me off, and I’m not sure I can stay in a relationship where I’m not being satisfied sexually.” A) Guys love competition and B) he’ll be motivated to learn. If he’s not motivated to learn, or gets his little panties in a twist because you’re being honest, go out and find yourself a real man, one who knows that real sex is not just about his ejaculation, or even penetration at all. In fact- put it to him like that- tell him you won’t be having penetrative sex with him, and that you’ll have to find other ways to get each other off.

And if all else fails, start sending him pointed how-to youtube videos.

Ultimately, no matter how much society tells you that your sexual self is unimportant, bad, dirty or inconsequential never forget that you are glorious, and you deserve to be happy. If he still doesn’t get it, walk out the door with your head held high and know that it’s HIS loss baby, not yours.

Send your sexy sex questions to auntyslut@nexusmag.co.nz