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Eating Out

Dear Aunty Slut,
I want to take my boyfriend on a date (unconventional, I know) Do have any suggestions on what we could do?


Dear Keran,

Bollocks to conventional: dating is a thing. In fact- dating should be more of a thing. Instead of going out and feeling people up in bars, we should be chatting up the cute human standing in front of us in the line at Espresso Plus, and buying them a coffee. You know, actually learning their names before helping ourselves to their bodies. But I guess that’s a rant for another time. Suffice it to say- I love that you want to take your man on a date.

The best thing about a date is that it doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Uncle Slut and I have a standing Tuesday night date where we get dominos pizza and beer, watch GoT together and have loud, unapologetic sex. Sounds simple- but it’s something to look forward to when our week is shit. The most important part about a date is that you make time to enjoy each other’s company.

I’m a fan of unconventional dates- I love being taken to the zoo for a picnic, or to Rotorua to ride the luge. But I’m also quite partial to a dominos pizza and an hour or so of cunnilingus. The trick to a good date is knowing your audience. What does your man like? If he loves fishing, take him out to Raglan, buy him fish and chips and do some surf casting. If he loves to game- build a fort in the lounge, load up on snacks and have a go at Call of Duty. If he loves beer, take him to a Good George tasting.

If you’re not sure what he’d enjoy, or money is tight then go for a walk. To be clear, I don’t mean go for a walk through the Gardens (that shit’s depressing), I mean go wander the riverbank, or meander through town stopping for coffee or ice cream, or cocktails. Go to the park and push each other on the swings. Or hell, nab a dominos pizza and score an hour of cunnilingus. Whatever you do, make sure that you’re giving each other your full attention. Turn your phones off and just be. Choose something you’ll both enjoy, and go for it.

If it’s a special occasion though, you might like to try something a bit different. Why don’t you hit a burlesque show? Burlesque is pretty sexy and manages to avoid the objectifying/misogynistic miasma that pervades many strip clubs. It’s sensual and it’s sexy as hell. Sometimes you can even buy a pair of nipple pasties of your own– which I’m sure your man would love you to learn to twirl. Then on the way home, grab a dominos pizza and some cunnilingus.

What can I say, I love pizza and sex.

Love, Aunty Slut