Nexus fixes house parties

The house party is the staple food of the Hamiltonian student. Unfortunately that food is an appetiser, which sets the scene for the main course, town. Like most appetisers it has the potential to be a little underwhelming and not compliment the main course as it’s supposed to. So, in this edition of Nexus Fixes, the two sesh gremlins of the editor team attempt to have a crack at laying down and fixing up some typical flat party etiquette. 

Leave tax for the host 

By now, we should all know how tax works. If you want to work and earn money, the government will take some of your hard earned dosh. The way that this can be applied, in the flat party sense, is very much the same. The hosts usually go out of their way to put on a sesh and an all round good time for the resident alcoholics of Hamilton’s studentville. With the risk of noise control making an appearance and leaving with your audio equipment rather high, or cops showing up and shutting down the party (it’s happened before) they put their flat at risk. Some of the more drunken guests can also increase the chance of walls getting punched, toilets being broken, couches being burnt etc. So the main point I’m getting at here is that the host take a large risk by hosting, so if you’re going to rock up, drink like a wounder and not even finish your box, don’t have the audacity to message the hosts the next day asking if you can come round and grab the three green cruisers you left behind. Just fuck off. Another point to make here is to minimise the amount of wastage. I can’t count how many times I’ve cleaned up post-sesh and found a can that’s been opened but not drunk. A waste of perfectly good nectar as far as I’m concerned. Stop being a spanner and either finish it or get a job, we’re not here to hunt monkeys mate. 

Don’t live next to dry lunches 

Don’t live next to cunts who don’t have anything better to do on weekends other than call noise control on a bunch of goodcunts who are letting themselves loose after a stressful week on the books or on site. Seriously, there are some right losers who live in the epicentre of the sesh and can’t handle a bit of music for a few hours on a Saturday night (or morning, depending on which editor you’re drinking with). You can give them warning to your parties all you like but some would rather just watch the world burn. Go and live somewhere else if you don’t like neighbours who have parties. There are 50 suburbs in Hamilton and you weren’t intelligent enough to pick one that doesn’t have Greensboro street in it. 

Everyone on the same level  

Self explanatory, you’re at a party to get pissed and talk to people. Talking to people is so much more fun if you’re slightly steamed, so don’t hold back, do an absolute number on yourself and you could find your drunk chat is helping you work your way into the bed of that cutie from across the other side of the room. Even more so it’s just about the vibe, it’s shit if only a few people are pissed. Just get drunk ya nonce.

Ratio 

All girls, good. Lots of girls, some boys, bad. All boys, good. Lots of boys, some girls, kinda weird. Good mix of both usually goes well but it’s difficult to fault. 

Tame but loose

When I say we like a loose party, we have to be careful with what we mean. Breaking shit can be fun as fuck, but be a decent person and only do it with the owners’ permission (I’m looking at you rugby boys). If the host says you can break a wall, why the fuck not? But don’t go too ham on it. There’s other shit you can do that doesn’t involve breaking stuff or ruining someone’s flat. Just off the top of my head that can include friendship shelving (look it up), docking (once again, look it up), getting naked (?), doing weird shit with a lime scooter.

Expendable beer pong table 

Have one on hand so you are able to have a breather plunge his ass through it at some stage of the night, preferably kick ons or right before town. A video of this is likely to prevent any chance of future employment so film with care and love xo.

Expendable furniture 

Same concept, but fuck it’s funny when furniture gets broken (with owner permission of course). Burning it is even better, usually happens at kickons. I will give anyone $20 if they can prove to me that they’ve thrown a flat screen TV off a balcony at 4am kick ons. 

Kickons

Round two, same house same rules. Here the men shall be separated from the boys. The women shall be separated from the girls. The weak will be shunned and expelled by the strong. Honestly though it takes a bit of ticker to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get the ball rolling at 4 in the fucking morning. It takes an even heartier breather or breathette to keep it rolling until sunrise. Dabble in this with care however as a sunrise mission has the potential to absolutely concuss your body clock for a good four days. 

Be kind 

Nothing can flip a night head over biscuit like some crooked cunts getting into a scrap over who gets to punch back the last Club Blue. It’s always a far better night when there’s no apology messages to be sent out en masse the following morning. Be kind, be courteous and stay safe on the sesh :).

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