Horoscopes – Issue 5

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18

Your powers of conversation are effectively useless at the moment and your housemates are tired of your diatribes about 5G. If it weren’t for the internet you would be out looting.

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20

When the going gets weird, the Pisces turns pro. People will look at you and panic because who can stay so calm while the world is ending?

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19

Your stubborn refusal to play by the rules is about the meet immovable object of the New Zealand Police force. Stay in your house like everybody else.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20

As the old saying goes “You have made your bed and now you must lie in it.” It’s just a really good time to be you right now.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

You can fool some of the people some of the time but you can’t fool an inanimate microscopic harbinger of doom any of the time. It will not be a good house guest if you let it in.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22

Home is where the heart is. Home is where everybody’s heart is actually and if it’s not there is going to be trouble. You have everything you need except cigarettes.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

We all know this is hard for you being out of the public spotlight but sending nudes to strangers to get attention is not a substitute for genuine human connection.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22

You cannot impose order on the chaos right now, all you can do to be helpful is stop watching television and clean the toilet. It’s honestly better than the news.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22

None of this fair right now and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ll just have to get used to it, but while you do confusion is a lovely colour on you

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21

The virus isn’t trying to hurt your feelings, it’s trying to kill you. You might be able to beat it through sheer intensity but you should probably ask your doctor first.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21

Enjoy your witty banter on social media right now, with Leo locked away this is your time to shine. You are the life of the quarantine party.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19

This is your time to shine. All of those unfinished projects in your backyard are just waiting there for you to finish them. Don’t neglect them like you neglect your family.

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