Aries (21 March – 19 April): The stars say you feel at home in the world, which makes sense because where the fuck else could you go? You have deep insights into your own feelings and inner, spiritual nature. This may be because you wank. I would’ve thought meditation would help you achieve this, but each to their own, I suppose. Beware of frogs.

Taurus (20 April – 20 May): You have an abundance of physical energy and self-confidence right now, which may be due to an excess of caffeine. Stop it. Also, you feel bolder and less dependent on others' affirmation and approval. What a relief. You were getting pretty pathetic for a while there. Beware of gouda cheese.

Gemini (21 May – 20 June) & Cancer (21 June – 22 July): You’re about to deal with a major life event. Jupiter is telling you not to fuck it up or he’ll smash you. This month is a time for deep thought. How vague. Beware of blue cars.

Leo (23 July – 22 August): The gods are telling me that you are psychic this month. But only this month, so make the most of your awesome talent. Just remember that you cannot go invisible with this power. You have lots of creative power this month, so write a book or emo poem or something. Beware of midgies.

Virgo (23 August – 22 September): You’re going to be very free with your affections this month, Venus says. I guess that means you’ll be a dirty dirty slutface. How typical. My crystal ball sees harmony and beauty, so maybe you’ll meet someone with those qualities. It sure as hell doesn’t describe you. Beware of teaspoons.

Libra (23 September – 22 October): You have heaps of problems to suss out this month. Sucky.  The stars don’t say if you get it all wrong. I assume it ends up 50/50. They say to try very hard. Awwwww, cute. You try hard, you tryhard! But beware of parsnips.

Scorpio (23 October – 29 October): Some luck is coming your way. Apparently something good will result from something crappy and depressing. Um, yay? Maybe it’s got something to do with guinea pigs, because the stars are telling you to stay the fuck away from those. Little snuffly demons.

Ophiuchus (30 October – 21 November): There’s some good times ahead – ones that don’t involve alcohol! Make sure you study for that giant test they told you about in class but you’ve forgotten. Beware of right angles. If you text Nexus and say you’re an Ophiuchus (and pronounce it correctly), you might just survive to see October.

Sagittarius (22 November – 21 December): The stars are telling you to give birth to something new and exciting. If they’re not referring to a crazy baby, then that is one fucked-up metaphor. Ignore it. And no birth-giving – unless your new and exciting baby is due, in which case, have fun shitting that particular pumpkin.

Capricorn (22 December – 19 January): Don’t push yourself too hard. And beware of Coke Zero. It’s worse for you than Coke is.

Aquarius (20 January – 18 February): One of your ideas will soon prove to not totally suck! Yay! Success! Neptune says that it is important to keep an open mind when judging others this month. So if you’re on jury duty, good luck. Beware of Rhode Island, the smallest and most lethal state.

Pisces (19 February – 20 March): Last and least, Pisces! You’re entering a period of emotional change. PMS is no excuse for bitchiness though! Variety satisfies your needs – tell your partner. I sense this will be a dirty month for you. Enjoy! Oh, but beware of Microsoft.