So, where were we? Oh yes.
When I was 11, I took French class at intermediate. Part of the class was to travel to New Caledonia (a Pacific Island where they speak French) for 2 weeks.
It was around this time that I also discovered my penis, and all the fun it offered. I was an enthusiastic youngster, so I took to this new discovery with exuberance, bounding home from school each day and rifling through my sisters Dolly magazines in order to find something suitable (the internet was something you saw on movies) and partaking in what that age group considers the most deadliest of secrets.
And so, like the Pacific explorers of old, with my own version of telescope and worthy seamen I ventured over to New Caledonia.
Before I derail this column entirely, some travel info. I remember New Caledonia as a bit of a shithole. My host brother and his mate used me as a look out when they were smoking in the garden, and when they picked me up at the airport, I put my seatbelt on, they reached over and took it off me, saying 'no no its, howusay? Not need'.
In New Caledonia people choose whether or not they crash. Miles ahead of us then. Or kilometres I guess, since they're French.
In the bedroom of the house I was staying in there was no door handle. Just a hole in the door where it would go.
And so one day, after having a shower, hormones raging, I noticed this hole...
And so I stuck my dick through it.
It was only for a second, and I only did it for a giggle.
Only problem was... My host mum was in the hallway.
I heard her there, I peered out through the hole... and we made eye contact.
It was mortifying. She called me for dinner an hour later. We had salad, cold meats and palpable awkwardness.
Years later I saw 'American Pie' and totally related.
Next week: The time I went to Europe and ruined the Eiffel tower.