Let’s begin with a few undeniable facts. C’s get degrees. Slurring your words is hot. Stumbling and vomiting is attractive. Sleeping until 3PM is fun. Piecing together what you done last night using nothing but the Outbox of your phone and the stamps on your arm is more stimulating than an episode of Blue’s Clues.

Along those lines, the last fact that we have all admitted and submitted ourselves to is… alcohol is fun, and there are absolutely no negative effects to it.

But there are traps. It is easy to drink ineffectively, thereby not maximizing your enjoyment or awesomeness from it.

So… let’s investigate! (and while I write, I will also PARTICIPATE)… … it means that I will drink as I investigate: *Kirill begins drinking*

(Editor’s Note: In the interest of historical accuracy, we have preserved Kirill’s various typos and other errors in what follows.)

Vodka: Vodka is a refreshing drink enjoyed by all ages. It alone has the power to make you much cooler than you are. In fact, my mum *drinks*used to be kinda cool. But when she got pregnant with me, and began drinking Vodka in earnest, people thought she was really cool. She soon came to be known as the queen of the Discotec. Unfortunately*drinks*, most of you haven’t quite got the grasp of it. Smirnoff is not good vodka, it makes you “OK to hang out with at best”. For student budget awesomeness please begging consuming Still. It is $3 cheaper than Smirnoff, bottled by the people who do 42 below, and has one numerous prestigious *drinks* binge drinking awards. Easiest place to find it is the liquor store on Silverdale Rd, I call it Jay’s..Jay doesn’t work there anymore though. For those who are willing to spend the cash, Zubrovka is a Polish (?) vodka that is so smooth you can drink it like a 15 year old who just found out they are pregnant, and enjoy every second*drinks, twice* . No mixer is required, or recommended, as it is already flavored by some kind of Polish grass…or buffalo (there is a picture of one on the label). If you are in downtown Auckland, there is a liquor store selling the world’s only legal Thujone Vodka. So if hallucinations are your thing, go for it. Also, Jay’s has black vodka (it turns red if you hold it to the sun, and blue if you mix it… like strangling a Smurf).

Hey, and you know *hiccup, drink* what? Yeah? Good? ABSINTHE. Don’t buy it. Nope. Not from *drinks* normal liquor store. NO! Hapsburg Absinthe is no more than petrol, green body paint, hooker spit and liquorices. Go to “La Dome”, just past Burger King, they have Czech absinthe. This stuff is relatively genuine *drinks*. The nice people at the store will also show you how to prepare it properly. *drinks*. You can also buy some bread there *drinks*. I’m hungry. *drinks* Kebabs anyone?

While there, ask them to show you the ingredients for a Kir Royal, or Kir Imperial. *drinks* Also, ask about Cognac…it’s like whisky made by classy men who like chocolate, and not whisky. *drink* Oh…god *barfff*uyfedl jkvul/g