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    Magic 8-Ball Issue 9

    Are there any hot bar girls who aren’t jerks in real life?
    You may rely on it.
    The fact that you’re a jerk, however, doesn’t increase your chances at getting a pash though. Stephanie Wcislo from house Bar is a total fox and a hilarious person too. But don’t stalk her. She knows crazy Africa and Polish ninja stuff. You’ve been warned.

    Is Justin Bieber ever going to come back to New Zealand?
    You may rely on it.

    Owen's View - Issue 9
    Owen Hinton

    So, where were we? Oh yes.
    When I was 11, I took French class at intermediate. Part of the class was to travel to New Caledonia (a Pacific Island where they speak French) for 2 weeks.
    It was around this time that I also discovered my penis, and all the fun it offered. I was an enthusiastic youngster, so I took to this new discovery with exuberance, bounding home from school each day and rifling through my sisters Dolly magazines in order to find something suitable (the internet was something you saw on movies) and partaking in what that age group considers the most deadliest of secrets.

    The Time Travellers Guide - Things to do in the 21st century
    Mork from Ork

    There are many things to do in the 21st century that you can’t do at home. Here are some thoughts on things most tourists try at least once.
    Go to the Rio Olympics in 2012. That prophecy was right about the Olympic movement.
    You can go for a swim in the ocean. You will not dissolve. That is only observed from 2022 onwards.
    Avoid boxing matches. This has a totally different meaning in the 21st century. There is no cardboard to be seen anywhere.

    Blair is Ace - Issue 9
    Susan Countrystains

    Now, I’ll be the first to admit that last week’s column (and the one before it) was not up to scratch. That said, I will not apologise for it. I accept completely that putting my thoughts out there in the public will make me subject to criticism, even though you should all fuck right off with your negativity. I understand that there are people out there who will take issue with what I think, what I feel, what I believe. That’s fine too, because I am sick to death of trying to please every John Q. Conservative. I also happen to thrive on discontent.

    Crevo Cafe - Issue 9
    Crevo

    Micro evolution / Macro evolution
    The terms micro and macro evolution are mainstream ones and not scientific definitions. Essentially micro evolution refers to changes within a species and macro evolution refers to how a species can branch into different species.
    In practical terms it’s no different from a 100 metre sprint and a marathon. The scale of them is different but they occur in exactly the same way, one foot after another. Small changes accumulate until they add up to big changes.

    Christafari - Issue 9
    By Big C and the Other One

    We would like to apologise.

    Fashion Police - Issue 9
    Kartal Cartel

    I'm not gonna candy-floss this shit - working in the "sex industry" would fucking blow! It may be fun to put your picture up on www.onlyundiesclub.com, but that's play acting. That shit would only give a little boy his first erection.
    Real sex work is about showing up at a crack head’s house with a big box of Wet Ones, letting him bang the shit out of you and then leaving with a couple of 50's in your hand. That's a whore’s life, you make hundreds of dollars a night licking ass and then you immediately spend it on drugs just to feel normal again.

    TIPS101 - Issue 9
    Hollie Jackson

    Lecture 7: Cheap(er) food!
    Our student allowances don’t allow much room for fancy food, so here are some tips on where to get the cheapest food in town.
    Fruit and Veges: Supermarkets are OK for this sort of stuff – only if there are specials on. Otherwise, your local fruit and vegetable store will usually be the cheapest. If you live in Hillcrest, the Magic Fresh down by the Warehouse will be where you would want to go.

    Tales from Tinseltown - Issue 9
    Emma Edwards

    The spite towards Barack Obama has re-appeared. Despite his flawless public image, allegations of an affair between Barack Obama and his former campaign aide, Vera Baker has arisen in the media.
    An American news source states that Obama has been conducting an extramarital affair with Baker, following a recent sighting of the pair at a Washington D.C hotel. The only proof this American source has are rumours, an anonymous limo driver, and an alleged security tape.

    Auteur House - Issue 9
    Richard Swainson

    Some directors, like some stars, become associated with a particular genre over all others. Director Lewis Milestone specialised in the war film.