By Troy Anderson
Mar 09, 2018

Everybody Say “Gonorrhea!”

Yam & Troy the Science Boys

I’m sure everyone is aware that super viruses and superbugs are a thing, and for those don’t, I’m awfully sorry you had to find out about it in this publication. 

Various laboratories throughout the world have been developing the unholiest of invisible nasties in the hopes of researching ways to combat such an abomination should one ever arise naturally, or escape their institutions. With that being said, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s already happened.

It turns out that gonorrhea is the newest superbug climbing through the ranks of unkillable. That’s right, dear reader, super gonorrhea is now a thing. This crotch bug is officially titled Neisseria Gonorrhea and is becoming increasingly resistant to modern antibiotics, so if you have it, you’re pretty much fucked. It’s not something you’ll be clapping about.

This new antibiotic-resistant infection has seen a huge number of cases in France, Spain and Japan. According to Men’s Health, it was discovered when a particularly healthy young buck, let’s call him Ryan, went to a clinic after experiencing some less-than-desirable symptoms in the penis area. This young man, who wasn’t smashing left, right and centre, ended up with gonorrhea. The key difference between typical gonorrhea and what Ryan had was that it refused to die three times, before it was finally killed by a 500mg jab of ceftriaxone (along with a second unnamed antibiotic) straight to the left ass cheek. This reportedly left him dizzy and nauseated, and the researchers studying his strain of gonorrhea figuratively shitting in their pants.

The problem with this strain is that it can be readily transferred from genitals to mouth, and vice versa. Particularly problematic is when symptoms don’t arise, so you may not even realise you have caught it, or passed it on. So you could be infected, or do some infecting, well before you know it’s even there; and by then, it’s well too late my friends. Every time this infection is attacked with antibiotics and it survives, it has just developed yet another immunity.

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, but for those that are uninformed, gonorrhea is fucking dumb. It can cause any and all of the following: yellow discharge from the penis or vagina, painful pissing, more frequent need to expel urine, pain in the testes for the dudes, and heavier periods for the ladies. There is also some nasty shit about it spreading to spinal and cranial fluid, which, not being a medical doctor, I couldn’t speculate on, but it doesn’t sound all that good.

So, what can you do? Well, it’s pretty simple - a bit of the classic old “don’t be silly, wrap your willy”, and a good ol’ throat swab at the doctor just to be sure you’re not absolutely fucked. Stay clean dear readers, let’s nip this thing in its various buds while we can.

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