Welcome to the sex toy review from your resident sex toy expert…me.
Today we’re talking about vibrators. What’s going to rock your world? What’s going to leave you wanting more? And what’s going to make you uninstall Tinder? Don’t worry. I made the tough decision to source and thoroughly review three vibrators so you don’t have to.
Ovo E6 Rechargeable Vibrator
Firstly, I am an Ovo fangirl. Their designs are sleek, clean, and don’t make me feel like I bought them from a seedy sex store down the high street. So, from a design perspective, Ovo is winning. Secondly, this is a pretty versatile toy. You can use it as a rabbit vibrator to go to town on your G-spot and C-spot at the same time. Or, à la Missy Elliot, put your thing down, flip it and reverse it. The handle of the vibe is its own toy with an independent motor – perfect for those who like to walk on the thicc side of life. After lighting a Kmart candle and letting my flatmates know I need complete isolation to conduct some science, I got down to business. Now, I don’t know if rabbit vibrators just aren’t for me or if the manufacturers haven’t got the memo that vaginas all come in different sizes since I could not find a comfortable way to use the rabbit function. Lying down? Leg up? Weird squat that reminded me of being at the gym and killed any arousal? None of them worked for me. But, that thicc handle? That’s where this toy really worked for me. Holy. Shit. Not only were those vibrations strong enough to give me a religious experience, I came faster than a manic squirrel on speed.
Rating: Flip it and reverse it /10
Satisfyer Pro Penguin
If you are privy to any of the goings-on in the world of sex toys, you’ll know that clitoral suction toys are, like, so in right now. So, I reached for the least intimidating of the bunch – the one that looked like a cute little penguin. The Penguin is advertised as being waterproof, so it goes without saying that I had to conduct this experiment in two parts. After, once again, lighting what I have now deemed to be my ‘masturbation mood lighting candle’ I attempted to get The Penguin to work. Nothing. It wasn’t until after I consulted the user manual and a few YouTube videos I realised you had to create an airtight seal over your clit to make anything happen. This takes a bit of practice and some awkward manoeuvring, but once you get it down, oh my god. I can definitely see why these little gadgets have taken the world by storm. They work! Vacuum seal + clitoris = a damn good time. The targeted stimulation got me off every time, and like any good scientist, I made sure to run several tests. Being able to use the penguin in the bath was the perfect finishing touch to my Baywatch-era David Hasselhoff fantasy – no judgement, please.
Rating: Hassel my Hoff /10
For my final vibe of choice, I decided to get a bit boujee with it and try a rose gold bullet vibrator. Candle lit and pants off; it was time to see if the Ro-Lux would become a favourite. I went into this review with pretty high expectations, I’m not going to lie. I don’t know if the prospect of a rose-gold vibrator put me into a trance or what, but I wasn’t disappointed. The Ro-Lux is your classic bullet vibrator designed for direct clitoral stimulation. It’s pretty easy to hold and manoeuvre and the 7 different vibration patterns definitely did the trick. Again, I had to run this experiment in the bath since this is another waterproof toy. I didn’t think the aforementioned penguin could be dethroned as the best bath-time toy, but I was wrong. This bullet seemed somehow STRONGER in the bath and got me off in a record 2 minutes. Insanity. The only downside was having to mop up all the water I sloshed off the side of the bath…sorry flatmates. It’s safe to say that the Ro-Lux has definitely become one of my favourite toys, and one I’m going to reach for again.
Rating: Making waves /10
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