By Josh Umbers
Aug 12, 2019

Tinder Review

Girls who demand a boy to be no less than 6 feet tall
Look sweetie, I don’t know if you’re aware but being over 6 feet tall is by no means guaranteeing a good package, or whatever the fuck you’re after. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted but he’s 5’11, how unfortunate. Don’t worry, he can change that because he will hit the gym - oh wait, it’s not something someone can change, you shallow bitch. I just find it funny how that’s somehow an ok thing to put in your bio but God forbid you say “nobody over 90kg please”. The people who I see demanding a certain height in their tinder bio aren’t exactly desirable either, get a grip.

People who only have group photos
I think this is pretty clever, but also catfish as fuck because people really can’t be fucked putting in the time and effort to figure out who you are, so they’ll say fuck it and swipe right because you have a hot mate who I’m actually hoping you are. I’m not gonna spend 2 minutes going through your photos trying to figure out which one you are, I just want to identify the owner of the account and quickly swipe left or right and move on with my day. Why do you have to put us through so much trouble? Just have some photos where you’re the only person in it so there’s some transparency in the relationship from the get-go.

Mirror selfies
What have you got to prove here? 90% of the blokes who do this are skinny, so they’re essentially bragging about having a fast car because its falling off a cliff - which is, as you’d think, absolutely nothing to brag about and just makes yourself look like a fucking moron.

Photos of yourself ripping a cone
Alright alright alright, I’ve got a few questions. What was going through your head when you thought “yup, I’m gonna take a selfie of me ripping this cone” then furthermore “ouush you know what, I’m gonna put it on my tinder with maybe a couple more photos of me doing the same activity”. Yeah nah, I’ve never swiped left so quickly in my life. What is so attractive about it? “lOoK aT mE i SmOkE wEeD” yeah so what, so do half the other cunts out there so it doesn’t exactly make you special. It puts you on par with that one white girl who gets prescription glasses and won’t shut the fuck up about it on social media for a month.

People who only have photos with Snapchat filters
I just don’t get this, plain and simple. Look, I see that it might arise around the fact that you may be seriously self conscious and I get that. But it doesn’t help, I just want to see your face. Who knows, you might actually be gorgeous beneath that Snapchat filter but it’s sad that you don’t wanna show your face to the world. It just means that I might spend 10 more seconds trying to figure out what you look like in the hopes that you’re tasty, but I’ll just end up swiping left because I just don’t even know what you look like and I am not fond of the chances of being matched with a 2 that made themselves look like an 8.

“Parent of 2 kids”
No sorry, I can hardly look after myself let alone 2 children. Contact me again in 10 years time.

“I don’t message first”
Yeah sweet, neither do I now just to spite you. What’s the point in having this in your bio? Are you seriously that lazy? Is your chat just drier than Africa itself? Or is your ego just that fucking large? I feel like anyone who writes this just wasn’t hot enough to get the thirsty Indians in the dms, so they’ve taken to tinder to make themselves feel like they deserve the world when they barely deserve daddy’s credit card to pay for their brunch.

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