It’s no evolutionary secret that scents are sexy. While female fragrances often tend to be too intense, sickly sweet and frighteningly floral-heavy, there’s something incredibly alluring about a man who smells good - we can’t fight our olfactory glands after all. If you want to win women over, the secret is to go for their nose. With that in mind, we thought we’d get you started on some of the good, the bad and the ugly in the world of male aromas. Pick your poison.
Lemme emphasise this for the boys in the back: Lynx Africa is NOT a substitute for a cologne, you cheap bastard. I literally don’t think you could be any more stereotypical if you tried. Seriously, every male flat you’ve ever stepped foot in goes through these babies faster than a liquorstore worth of Billy Mavs on a Saturday night. In saying that, I regret to admit that it actually smells decent as fuck.
The entire Calvin Klein range
Unoriginal, slightly boring, yet nonetheless reasonably enjoyable; congratulations! You’ve just found a scent to complement your sex life.
Diesel Only the Brave EDT
The fist-shaped bottle (ironically) says it all; ideal for any Kyle-type lad whose corporate graduate role and Hallensteins suit still can’t hide the fact that he’s a ragey, rum-and-coke guzzling bogan by nature with a tendency to punch holes in the wall when triggered.
COACH Man EDT
If you wear this, I will personally sleep with you.
Paco Rabanne 1 million EDT
Wear this, and one million girls will sleep with you. That’s why they’ve called it that.
Just pure ol’ body sweat
Perfect for when you desperately want to stay single and avoid all female interaction.
Rexona For Men Antiperspirant Deodorant All Blacks
Unfortunately, will not make you an All Black. We can guarantee you’ll still be a scrawny fuck after applying.
Ralph Lauren Polo (Blue, Red, Black, etc)
Wear this, and all your dreams of coming across like a douchebaggish management student whose parents unknowingly fund a weekend ecstasy problem will be realised.
Diptyque Figuier Candle
Okay, bear with me on this one. I know, I know, it’s not a cologne, it’s expenny, and you think candles “aren’t manly,” but let me tell you something: this candle screams elegance. This candle is sophisticated. This candle shows that you’re such a mature, got-your-shit-together gentleman that you can purchase a candle for your room and not have your masculinity called into question. If that’s not enough, unofficial studies also show that sexy scented candles increase the intensity of your partner’s orgasms x100. (Btw, quality-wise, anything you can buy from the Warehouse or Countdown is not up to standard.)