About a month ago, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life - I handed in my resignation at my dream job to take a bet on myself that I’m not even sure will pay off. I turned my back on four years of grinding, hard work, blood, sweat and tears (as well as decent hours and slightly above average pay) to try and get a degree. I’d love to be able to sit here and tell you that I had a ‘gut feeling,’ or I don’t regret my decisions - but in reality, at this moment, I’m scared as shit (and also feverishly refreshing Twitter to see if Kawhi’s gonna stay).
The day I made the decision to leave was the day that I finally felt comfortable in my work and had a good grasp on what I was doing. I realise that sounds dumb as hell and enough for some of you to start questioning my life choices (don’t worry, I do that enough for the both of us), but I found myself really missing being in over my head and not knowing what the hell I was doing. My life sort of became like Final Fantasy VII after you leave the Northern Cave on disc 3 - sure, there’s a bunch of side quests you can do, but deep down you know that it’s over, and it’s time to move on.
I think one of the biggest causes of our anxiety and depression is trying to hold on to this lie of living a ‘comfortable, stable’ life, when in reality, it’s bullshit to think you can get to a point where everything will be smooth sailing from here on out. Your house could burn down tonight, your employer could go bankrupt, your friends could realise you’re a dick and never talk to you again, your field of study could be automated...we’re all so comfortable in our ruts that we forget things could slip away at any moment. That’s why it hurts so much when things inevitably do change - we feel like if we’d only tried harder, or done something different, or been better, we could have kept being comfortable forever.
At a surface level, knowing everything is bound to change and fall apart is enough to give anyone anxiety and want to stay in bed all day to sink in to the feeling of impending doom, but I find it comforting to know the only constant in life is constant change. The tighter your grip is on the things you have now, the harder it’s going to be when eventually you have to let go (and the less space you have for other opportunities). The only thing that is really real is this exact moment - you, sitting here, reading this magazine, and the people around you that love you.
There’s an old Yiddish saying that goes “people plan, and God laughs.” Maybe that’s why I chose to bail on my dream job and go study at uni. Staying in my role because it was comfortable and simple and easy and not growing as a person was my plan; somewhere up in the sky God was laughing at me, and I couldn’t have that. If I’m not pushing myself into scary situations, learning new skills, taking risks, and betting my entire future on my passions rather than the ‘right’ or ‘easy’ thing, then why am I even here? What’s the point of anything?
The truth is, I’m gonna miss the hell out of my part time pay, full time work hustle of running comms for a nationwide charity during the day and managing events at night. The only thing that is bringing me peace in this limbo period between my job and uni is knowing that all the of the hardest, most difficult times of my life have all meant something in retrospect. And
maybe sometimes you just have to make a leap of faith before life decides to give you a push.
(*It’s Yiddish, google it.)