By Nexus
Jul 08, 2019

One Night Stands

Sex In The Tron

Some may say that Hamilton doesn’t quite rival New York, and sadly I’m no Carrie Bradshaw (the only shoe addiction I can afford on a student budget would be the $9 kind from Kmart, after all), but I’m pretty sure we can all agree on some big interests in common with the infamous SATC series: dating, relationships, and sex. It’s 2019; why be coy? The July social calendar is a time filled with Re-O week events, 21sts, and general shindigs. With that considered, there’s something else that may or may not be pencilled into your schedule - one night stands.

Ah, the one night stand. The fuck and chuck; the hump and dump; the wam bam thank you ma’am. At the end of the day, the choice of whether to partake in this one-night-only performance relies on a few key rules: 1) ensure you aren’t pissed to the point of impaired judgement, 2) make sure neither party has ANY form of emotional connection to the other, and 3) condoms are an absolute must. Side effects may range between post-coital regret, obsessive behaviours, a gross feeling that no shower can remove, and some pretty unsexy STIs.

Sometimes, you find a mutual attraction, you want a root, and that’s that. As long as it’s consensual (we talked about that in issue 4, FYI), deceitful behaviours aren’t involved, and no one’s going to get hurt by that call, 110% go for it. Life’s short, and sleeping with random 21-year-old hotties is only acceptable for so long. Make the most of it while you still can. After all, the day will come when sexy features like beer bellies, crow’s feet and receding hairlines become the norm...and at that point, it’s kind of weird if you’re still sleeping with 21-year-olds anyway.

So, you’ve found yourself some evening company? The etiquette goes as follows: don’t invite yourself over, unless you’ve explicitly been offered. Make sure your bed is hygienic, for fuck’s sake (we’ve heard all about the mattress-on-the-floor type, and you don’t fool us; you’re definitely not aiming to channel Japanese-style interior design). Your flatmates don’t want to hear your sex noises. Putting in the effort to help your biddy orgasm before you should be the rule, not the exception. No condom = no fucking. Always allow either party to stay the night (if they want to) after the show’s over. Don’t expect to stay for breakfast...but if eggs and bacon are on offer, you may as well say yes. Don’t linger. Don’t leave ANYTHING behind, whether that be physical items or emotional baggage. Lastly, the number one rule? Don’t fall in love, you’re not in an Ashton Kutcher movie.

In saying that, if you’re preparing to jump under the covers in the hope that a certain someone stays interested in you, I’d think twice about it. If you actually might see something more than just fuck buddies with this person, sex right off the bat is not a good idea. As my mother would say: why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? No one likes looking like a crazy person when you’ve sent them the “what are we” speech and they’ve basically forgotten your name.

Remember that if you aren’t sure, you can say no. I’ll admit to my share of close calls. There was the particularly cute guy who wanted to head back to my festie tent, but with his pupils the size of Cock & Bull drink coasters and a strong likelihood that he wouldn’t remember half the night, NYE was a solo sleep-in. Your classic easy-on-the-eyes tradie was in with a chance, but after the red (or at least strong orange) flags started flying, his rather seedy Pornhub-style fantasies were dashed. Another chap was approximately 7 inches away, but knowing my feels were stronger than his and I didn’t want to come across despo afterward, nothing happened (hope you’re proud, mum). After all, I had a friend who slept with a guy she really liked straight away, pretended that she didn’t mind when the only dates they went on were the kind between dirty sheets, and eventually received the “let’s be friends” speech. Then again, there was the friend who slept with a guy off Tinder, didn’t catch feels, and eventually blocked him because he was messaging her so persistently. The point is, know what you want before you go in, so you won’t get (literally) fucked over.

Happy orgasms,
Nexus xx

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