We’re halfway through cancer season baby, and you are thriving. Take it all in and make the most of it, as our crystal ball shows that the rest of this year will consist of a downward spiral.
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Uni is back and better than ever – you, not so much. Try to make it through this week without judging everyone in your classes and maybe you’ll make a friend for once.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
So, you survived A Semester and you thrived in the mid-sem break, but sadly that’s where the good news ends. Your friends are beginning to hate you – bring gifts, or face being excluded from the Re-O parties.
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
You know your boundaries and you enforce them with power. While this is an admirable trait, other people also have boundaries, so it might make you less of a dick to respect them once in a while.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The thing you must remember about social media is that it’s available for all the world to see. Remember this next time you go to tag your mum in a meme about your lacklustre sex life; it definitely won’t help end the dry spell.
Sagittarius (NOV 22 - DEC 21)
Hey, you little social influencer! Guess what? Literally no one cares that you keep getting fucked over by the same guy you keep replying to – if you want to keep your status, leave it off the gram, okay?
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Okay but like, seriously – why the fuck did you go back to them? That’s toxic as hell, man; check yourself before they dump you again and brag about it to everyone in Outback for Re-O.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
B Semester has rolled around a bit too fast for your liking, hasn’t it Aquarius? We know it’s hard but try to last at least one class without crying this time, okay? We believe in you x
Little fish, just keep moving with the tide. You may have lost your bestie to her own self-importance but keep your head up – our crystal ball shows you’ll find another generic white girl to take her place.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Reputation is everything, and your aura has a certain darkness to it after your antics last semester. Try not to take everyone avoiding you personally, and perhaps use your newfound free time to become a nicer human being.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
You love to help others – it’s very kind of you, as you love to point out. But perhaps quit using other people’s problems as a distraction from your own, because let’s be honest, you’re not exactly a role model.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
How’s that new exclusive relationship treating you? You’re really happy? That’s so good to hear! But perhaps confide in them about how happy you are, because word around the street is, you’re not their one and only – might be time to have a chat aye.