By Jared Ipsen
May 27, 2019

Lolly Review

Valid

In September last year, it looked like the swift hand of the law was set to make lolly bags a thing of the past. The labelling laws - which had actually been in place since 2002 - forced a dairy in Taupō to stop selling their lolly bags after Big Lolly™ told them to label their bags, or else.

According to Standard 1.2.1 of the ANZ Food Standards Code, food has to be labelled with its nutritional information (duh doy). Because lollies can be loosely defined as food, dairy owners nationwide were faced with the prospect of having to print out tiny little labels for every single type of lolly, and then fit it on that tiny white paper bag. Seeing as ain’t nobody got time for that bullshit, it was looking like dairy owners were gonna ditch the cornerstone of our society - $2 mixes.

Naturally, I was distraught. I am a $2 lolly bag aficionado. I’m constantly stopping into new dairies, trying to find the perfect bag of sweeties that will finally hit the spot so I can stop being a 27-year-old man that gets excited about sweeties. I took it upon myself to archive this golden age of the $2 mix, posting on my Instagram about great finds, dud bags, and the best places to go if you want value for money.

Even though it turned out the Ministry for Primary Industries didn’t actually give a shit about dairies selling lolly bags because they had bigger fish to fry, it’s been a great ride trying to find the perfect bag. And now, here for you, are a few reviews of some spots around the city - if you have any leads, feel free to DM me @jaredipsen.

RIVER ROAD FOOD MARKET, RIVER ROAD
This was just a great, humble little bag of lollies. The thing I appreciated most about this selection is that they were all gummy lollies - there’s nothing worse than getting the odd sugar-covered lolly that sheds all through the bag and messes with the flavour of the others. A bunch of classics including fried eggs, blue gummy sharks, multicoloured volcanoes and these fucking amazing spinning top ones.
OVERALL RATING: 7 / 10

ST ANDREWS DAIRY, BRAID ROAD
Just an extremely uninspiring, phoned in, sad little bag of treats for people that hate fun. Gross ass pineapple lumps, milk bottles, and jet planes that are more hardened and grisled than the heart of an Alabama senator. Gained one extra point for a little bag of rockets.
OVERALL RATING: 2 / 10

ROTOTUNA FOODMART, HUKANUI ROAD
This was a strange one, cos while they have the most insane selection of $2 bags of single lolly types (and a great 3 for $5 deal), their $2 mix was pretty underwhelming. They get a few points for carrots and cherries, but fairly average overall. You’d be better off making your own mix out of the four aisles of lollies they’ve got there.
OVERALL RATING: 4 / 10

KOPUA DOMAIN CAMP STORE, RAGLAN
This mix is what all dairies should be aiming for. Massive value for $2, stacked to the brim with volcanoes, fruit bursts, sherbet lollipops, and even a few whacky chews and TNTs for good measure. Would highly recommend the pilgrimage out to Raglan to get a taste of the glory days the lolly bag.
OVERALL RATING: 9 / 10

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