The planets are aligning and your fate has been sealed. It’s time to drop out before you suffer through the arrival of your C- grades; mum will be happier that way.
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
With Jupiter illuminating your fifth house of pleasure and procreation, luck is heading your way. Be careful when selecting your Tinder match for this week, or you could be raising a Taurus in nine months time.
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
With the combination of winter’s arrival and the half-moon, you could be feeling a bit down in the dumps this week. Be sure to pick yourself up and carry on; no one likes a quitter, especially when you quit cleaning your dishes.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
Exams are quickly approaching and you’re beginning to feel the pre-test jitters. Trade your alcoholism for a coffee addiction, but maybe don’t try to snag some more of those pills from that guy you went to halls with.
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
Aries in Pluto is ruling you this week, and your to-do list is only growing longer. In order to best avoid stress, we recommend heading out for hospo night for the seventh week in a row.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The stars are showing a shift in energy in your aura this celestial period. Remain calm and assess your options before making any decisions - do you really think going vegan will help you get a partner?
Sagittarius (NOV 22 - DEC 21)
Creativity is running through your veins, and Neptune is controlling your mood. Keep a notebook by your bed so you can remember your 4am ideas, like that time you created salted miso and banana ice cream.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
As Mars moves to leave your atmosphere this week, the end is nigh. The end of what, we’re not sure, but it’s something, and it’s gonna end. Good luck x
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
The moon is holding pride of place in your realm this week, and our crystal ball is revealing a strong sense of loneliness. Fear not, for the future brings with it new connections, and several fictional characters to hang out with. Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
True feelings shall be revealed this week as your Pallas strengthens. Stop referring to your crush as your significant other or you’ll lose any chance of a relationship beyond friends with benefits.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Mercury is in your second house, and your whole outlook is changing. Widen your social circles to include those who you always talk shit about, and you’ll have more people to admire your dancing talents.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
With Venus ruling you Chiron, your open arms will become a sign of comfort to those close to you once more. Make sure to actually listen to their problems this time; try to avoid beginning an “I have it worse than you” competition like you usually do.