Your starmap is showing strong new connections this week. Before you leave the house, be sure to shower, or suffer a repeat of your humiliating past.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
Geminis with their Saturn in Pisces have a reputation for being lazy, but don’t worry, this doesn’t apply to you. Your terrible attendance and addiction to video games are in no way reflective of this.
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
You’ll tell everyone it ended on good terms, and that you remain friends. But heed our warning of an unexpected revelation, in which everyone finds out they actually blocked you on all
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
This week, Jupiter’s pull over you will make you hostile to change. We’ll tell it to you straight - no one likes your ranty Instagram stories; it might be time to shut the fuck up.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
The stars are sending us a message...break it off with your current significant other, you’re not a rehabilitation centre.
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
The orbits are changing this week, and you may find yourself feeling lost and confused. Ensure your phone is fully charged before town, your mates are sure to ditch. If in doubt, the old blokes in Shenanigans will look after you.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
As Pluto shows her faces, your deepest fears will be revealed. Use the next three days to tell them the truth or the stars will do it for you.
Sagittarius (NOV 22 - DEC 21)
We sense a comet on the horizon. Keep yourself well stocked with snacks this week, you’re scary when you’re hangry.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Mars has moved into the anxious zone this week, Cap. Best think twice about plagiarising your last few assignments - luck is not on your side right now.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Venus is shining luck on your love life this week; the time has come, Aquarius, stop fucking around and choose one of your admirers to get freaky with. Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
The Gemini sun is moving into your sky in the next coming days. You better not flake this time around, a coffin is sure to get you in the mood.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Saturn and Venus are competing for your moral compass. We get it, all the good looking ones are in relationships, but hands off hun; no one likes a homewrecker.