It’s time to knuckle down and get some work done. We know you think you’re the top of your class, but the stars say otherwise. Start studying before your lecturer makes you the example of what not to do.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
With Venus in retrograde, it’s time to listen to what the universe is telling you. “I’m picky” is not an acceptable answer when it comes to why you’re still single; immediate self-reflection is necessary.
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
You’ll find recognition at work this week, but don’t count your chickens until they hatch. The mention of your name may not be one of praise, but rather one of calling you out in front of the whole office.
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
We had high hopes for you and your studious attitude going into the break, but our crystal ball reveals that you did fuck all study. All we can say is good luck for exams, you’ll need it x
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
While you may see it as divine intervention, fate, or destiny, the rest of us see it as moderate stalking. Delete them on Snapchat before you end up with a visit from the local authorities.
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
Refreshed from the mid-semester break, you may return to routinely feeling threatened by someone. Observe in silence, for the exploitation of their insecurities will come in handy when you least expect it.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
As you clock up more hours at work, be sure to splash your cash in front of others to reinforce your superiority. Who cares if you’re failing uni, at least you can afford a box of Long Whites!
Sagittarius (NOV 22 - DEC 21)
Your cool and calm façade may be jeopardised this week as control of your facial expressions falters. Try to think nicer thoughts when around others or your inner bully could be revealed.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
In times of need, others look to you for leadership. While you may feel unequipped for the job, be sure to steer your team with purpose - if it fails, your appearance will be relatively easy to disguise.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
With the return of classes you may be feeling a little lost. We recommend retail therapy - you don’t need to understand your complex emotions if you bury them with a mountain of new material possessions. Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
As you suffer through yet another love life hiccup, it’s time to look to the future. Ask yourself whether being ‘taken’ is worth the underlying sexism, and adjust your relationship status accordingly.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
This week sees Jupiter move into your seventh house, and luck is in the air. Put a ring on it before they realise they can do better.