All aspects of hauora must be respected, Aries. No matter how much meditation and yoga you do, it will not make up for the fact that you’re a backstabber who only consumes chicken nuggets for dinner.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
Your return to uni has been triumphant, and you have revelled in the attention from your peers. Our predictions see this shortly come to an end, as everyone begins to realise just how much they don’t like you - again.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
On top of the world and on the path to success! Unfortunately, neither of these two statements relate to your current situation. Try again next week.
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
Your ambition is admirable, dear moonchild. We know you think you’re destined for greatness, but the stars say otherwise. Accept your fate as a sub-par business major and drown your tears in a vodka and orange or two.
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
As mid-semester break arrives, you are full of excitement for the adventures to come. But beware of reality, for your procrastination during the last six weeks means you’ll likely spend the entire break studying and crying.
Get to work, baby.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
We commend your dedication to perfectionism, and it’s brought you far in life. However, the stars are warning of a change, so embrace the unruliness of the next few weeks while relaxing with several bottles of Malibu.
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
You long to feel accepted and be surrounded by others, but the aura you exude says otherwise. This week, try to be more of a supportive friend and less of a passive aggressive bitch, and people might actually want to spend time with you.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
This celestial period has you feeling full of energy and happiness, but be wary of any new opportunities that come your way. This jubilance is likely just the after-effects of last week’s substance abuse.
Sagittarius (NOV 22 - DEC 21)
This week sees things looking up for you - your assignments are done, classes are nearly finished, and the prospect of having a flatmate-free house is enchanting. Take the time to burn some sage and cleanse the environment.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You didn’t thank the higher powers, did you? We warned you, and now karma’s on its way. Good luck babes.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
In the last week of classes, it’s time to take charge of your life. We know you want to change the world, but you’ve got to do your part of the fucking group assignment first. Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
It’s two months into uni, and we’d like to congratulate you for finally starting to grow up! First step - you’ve got to switch the KGB’s for something a bit classier. Why not go for some African Elephants?