By Nexus
Oct 04, 2018

Hitlist: Everything We’d Cover If We Had More Time

Apple stickers: After suffering through all the nauseating hullabaloo regarding straws this year, it’s time for the zeitgeist to draw its attention to a much less purposeful, much more infuriating piece of plastic. Remind us, why do we put stickers on our fruit again? Think of the mile-high, piping-hot stacks of vinyl being churned out every day to clad fruit whose brands could easily be identified by… we don’t know, a box? A sign? Word of mouth?

If you’re comfortable with many disabled people losing access to a tool that they rely on to drink then ban straws. But who actually needs an apple sticker in their life?

You can find out more in our YouTube video, ‘ASMR: Quitely Removing Apple Stickers and Letting Out Grumpy Sighs’.

Tiki Taane: I’m not really that into Tiki Taane. Welcome to the hitlist, brother. 

University of Otago: Destroying magazines; stealing bongs. Be glad you go to Waikato, where university authorities don’t give a shit about you, instead of this Orwellian nightmare. 

The Flag of Hamilton City: An utter joke. Earlier in the year, we wrote to Andrew King in an effort to start the ball rolling on a public consultation process to change it. We failed, on account of bureaucratic inflexibility and probably because nobody gives a shit. But, if you do have a chance to view the hideous and uninspiring Hamilton flag, which we aren’t even sure is official, take a few minutes out of your day to send a drawing of a potential alternative to us. We always enjoy that stuff.

Star Wars: Imagine the Star Wars franchise is an airline. Imagine each film is a plane; would you buy a ticket from an airline that has had six crashes out of ten flights? No? Then why do you keep expecting the Star Wars franchise to offer up something good when there has only ever been four good films. Everything else is shit. Literally all the other Star Wars films are dumb, pointless, cynical cash grabs. 

Jesse Mulligan: Still hasn’t responded to our demand for satisfaction. The word “coward” springs to mind. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe: There’s already like a million of these fucking movies out and while pretty much all of them are, you know, “pretty good”, do we really need a million more? If you take the budget of Infinity Wars, like 400 million USD and just stop for a minute and think. That’s four $100 million movies or 40 $10 million films. It’s a lot of opportunities to tell a lot of stories, but no, apparently we need the same plotlines, same beats, same ten actors, same themes, and same big CGI effects over and over and over. Remember when people used to leave the cinema and say ‘wow, the special effects for incredible!’? Not any more.

Critic Te Arohi: Remember the magazine destroying shit Critic got in the news for this year? The boring stunt of a lame ass cover intended to piss people off. Instead of highlighting a relevant social issue, they decided to exploit it for cheap publicity and false outrage. Nobody wants to be depicted as a pixelated lump of flesh on a bathroom floor, so don’t try and hide grotesque cover art with a paper-thin claim of representation. 

Simon Bridges: It would be easy to point to Simon Bridges and say that he had an appalling record as a minister. You could cite the Anedaco interview with John Campbell where he was destroyed or the one with Lisa Owen where he couldn’t accurately tell you why roading projects were needed. He achieved the almost unthinkable in his years as a minister; making (friend of Nexus) David Bennett seem like a dedicated and professional associate minister by comparison. So it was obvious that the National Party only had one course of action available to them and that was to promote him. In a culture filled with unbearably disliked people, Bridges’ particular brand of sociopathy has made him a pariah even to solid National voters. In essence, National, without any good reason, took the off-brand knock-off version of John Key and said he’s around Jacinda’s age so this should create the same impact. It didn’t. Instead, what we are left with was the first Māori leader of a major party who doesn’t believe in te reo in schools and still champions a party who has an active policy of removing the Māori seats. You know you’re in real trouble when the cardboard cut out in the leader’s chair is a footnote for history and you are actively considering replacing him with Judith fuckin’ Collins. We may be being a little unfair to Bridges here; he was a perfectly serviceable prosecutor and the archetype for every disenfranchised middle child of the future. He may even be extremely competent and espousing his genuinely held views about trickle-down economics or taxes and roads. The thing he isn’t though is charismatic, and in the Jacinda era, that is enough to make you forgettable.

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