By Lyam Buchanan
Sep 13, 2018

Bevvy Breakdown

There’s no doubting the prowess of the student-culture heavyweight ‘Critic Booze Reviews’, though following the release of articles such as ‘Wakachangi Is New Zealand’s Finest Craft Beer’ and ‘Lion Red Is New Zealand’s Most Generic Beer’ – it became apparent our southern dwelling brethren were nearing the bottom of the barrel.

While we may not be gifted with the Scarfie charm, surely, this is enough inspiration to write something of substance from.

Waikato Draught

A local treasure. This drop has become the staple for out-of-towners who think consuming river water is patriotic and quickly became the go-to 24-box for anyone waiting to inherit a fair few acres.

There’s no doubting the medicinal qualities of this tasteless beauty; from quenching a mahi-induced thirst, to curing the anxiety of a fresher ordering their very first jug.

It may be indistinguishable from the rest of the brown-bottled brethren, but if it wasn’t simple, easy, and been through all your mates, it wouldn’t be worthy of the “Waikato” brand.

Rating: 4

Canadian Club & Dry

Nothing screams “I grew up in a gentrified suburb and didn’t get enough attention from my parents” quite like a box of CC’s.

The cuckold’s Billy Maverick is the quintessential RTD of someone who’d refer to themselves as a “hopeless romantic”, the kind of person to drunk-message their ex a year after a breakup, and someone who believes a good night directly correlates to the number of deep and meaningfuls initiated.

Rating: -3

Park Lane Gin Lime Soda

This trusty six-banger is sure to revitalise the senses and provide enough drama to warrant the creation of yet another group chat – excluding a name or two, obviously.

If you’re sick of Banrock rosé, these 7-percenters are sure to provide the type of night where you peak a little early, console someone having an emotional breakdown and/or be consoled in the midst of your own, all before enjoying a lacklustre fuck with someone your mate has been grafting for weeks.

Rating: 2

Ice Breaker

All the benefits of a Cruiser without the complete loss of dignity.

It may not be the most palatable on the market, but at least it doesn’t taste like a broken hymen.

This somewhat classy alternative to the mighty array of sugar waters may contain little more than Smirnoff and a dash of cordial, but it’s a sure fire way for insecure men with celiac to maintain their precious masculinity.

Rating: 3

Ranfurly Draught

If you’ve ever fantasized about getting divorced—or regularly taking your kids to a Valentine’s buffet—this is the beverage for you.

While degenerates regard these lukewarm 440s as “nectar of the gods”, those with any self-respect tend to refer to it as “fermented petrol”.

From the distinct lack of taste to the overwhelming feeling of a neglectful father figure, there’s really nothing quite like a “dirty ranny” to derive a personality from.

Rating: -5

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