By Cameron McRobie
Sep 13, 2018

A Different Kind of Shin Splint(er)s

The Crowd Goes Mild

Ever taken a Razor Scooter to the shins? If you’re some fucked up kind of masochist and get off to that shit then shin kicking might be your next big break.

Originating in the early 17th century in England, the home of all the worst sports, shin kicking is a combat sport; an English martial art, if you will. It is also the only martial art native to England besides bare-knuckle boxing, another innately meathead sport. It was one of the most popular events at the Cotswold Olimpick Games (a small-town hick version of the Olympics held in Camden, England featuring somewhat primitive sports) before the games ended in the 1850s. British immigrants introduced the sport to the USA and it was also included in the 1951 revival of the COG, remaining one of its most popular events. Now run as the World Shin-Kicking Championships, the event draws in thousands of spectators annually.

Known also as hacking or purring, the rules aren’t much more than the sport’s name itself. Shin kicking is a two-contestant battle in which (surprise, surprise) the athletes kick the absolute shit out of each other’s forelegs. Each round, the competitors must face each other, hold onto one another’s collars and try to strike their shins with the inside of their foot and toes. Quite simply, you’re trying to fuck up your opponent’s shins with the ferocity of a coffee table corner until they either A: hit the ground, or B: cry out “sufficient”. No clue why “sufficient” was chosen as the mercy call, probably would’ve gone for a “fucking cut it out, you dog-cunt” myself. Obviously, having only one brain cell, nerve damage, shins of steel or a meth level pain tolerance are a big ol’ advantage in this sport.

Matches are observed by a referee, or stickler, who determines the score. Modern competitions are a best-of-three rounds format and the winner (probably) receives a healthy dose of Anti-Flamme and a precautionary x-ray.

Legend has it, the toughest bastards in the sport bashed their shanks with hammers to build pain tolerance and strengthen their shins to withstand each round a lil better. Likewise, some dirty players would try to wear steel-capped boots in competition in, what one can only assume, was an attempt to confine their opponents to a wheelchair indefinitely. Now, however, the Fun Police™ have made rules like “you can only wear soft shoes” and “every combatant must have padded trousers”. Weak.

Shin kicking is a sport for people whose taste in entertainment never really evolved past the age of eight; which is probably the same demographic who genuinely enjoy watching the UFC. While on the topic of folks who endure purposeless pain for fun, the question must be posed – would y’all rather walk barefoot through 50 metres of Lego or take a Razor Scooter to the shins?

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