Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Mars is significantly out of alignment with Venus, and even with that as an excuse, it still isn’t ok to send pictures of your genitals to people you work with.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Venus is in retrograde, which means that after 12 weeks of reading these, you probably should have figured out horoscopes aren’t exactly guidelines by which to abide.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Jupiter is prominent in your orbit. Be brave, be mighty, plaster those passive-aggressive ‘it would be cool if you could...’ Post-It notes over the doors of those who did you wrong.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
An affair ignites as your lust for Sagittarius reaches an all new low. While public displays of affection are romantic in theory, you tend to get a little too close to indecent exposure.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Rest easy and know that now is a time for peace. Be thoughtful and dedicate your time to study, and your consciousness to love. If that fails, hit up a science student; they know where to get all the Adderall.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Mercury proves a distracting influence at the worst possible time. When you should be focusing on cramming 11 weeks of missed lectures into a week of study, you find yourself instead wondering things like ‘If “fridge” is short for “refrigerator” then why does it have a D?’
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Love is in the air. Well, not ‘love’, more the musky stench of post self-coitus bliss. You understand that your flatmate likes to masturbate but why he chooses to do it prolifically in the shared shower will forever remain a mystery.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The light of a small galaxy shines brightest just for you, even after months of law and management students saying ‘you wouldn’t understand’. Well, you’re a FASS student, and you have NO EXAMS so shine brightly, little star.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
It’s time you focus on your self-publishing career. Find a reputable news outlet and push your own agenda. Reap the rewards of your soapbox-based fame. Who said the media is biased?
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
A breach in Saturn’s atmosphere leaves you anxious and ashamed. There’s no doubt you were far too forward the last time you saw them; it’s probably best to avoid their significant other for a few weeks.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Greed runs rich through the veins of the weak. Chances are you haven’t had a rough week, and there’s absolutely no need to treat yourself each and every evening. Control your urges. Your body will thank you for it.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Tension heightens through the final evenings of May. A thoughtful gesture is taken as a personal attack, leaving your peers to ponder why you’re such a bitch.