Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Purple Goannas: You’re not the best at social situations. Sometimes, you’re the life of the party, but you’re also the embarrassment people gossip about each week.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Waikato Draught: The stable member of your friend group. Not only are you dependable, but a general voice of reason. It’s no surprise people refer to you as a bit of a boring cunt.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Banrock Station Rosé: You like to think you’re the first port of call when it comes to giving unfiltered advice; sadly, you’re just a bit of a bitch. Remember what you said on June 2nd 2016? Everyone else does.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Long White 12 Pack: You’re still hanging out hope for that one missed connection. We know you think you’re special; it’s just they don’t see it the same way.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Craft Beer: Masking your yeasty aroma is no easy task, even rigorous hygiene makes for little improvement. You’re a breeding ground for thrush; it’s time to get your bits and bobs touched by a medical professional.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Smirnoff Double Black Ice: A step-sibling fetish isn’t something to be proud of. There’s nothing wrong with sexual experimentation—just keep it lowkey. Causing one divorce is more than enough.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Cranberry Vodka Mix: Instead of priding yourself on the ability to dig out information from your friends’ personal lives, perhaps consider why they aren’t presenting it to you in the first place.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
NZ Lager 440ml cans: A kiwi patriot through and through. Hopefully, you’ll marry someone who isn’t your immediate cousin, have your first dance to Shihad, and continue to cut your mates down whenever they seem to be making something of themselves.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Half a box of Lime Cruisers: Homoerotic fantasies are nothing to be ashamed of. If the only reason you’re still playing rugby is to get pummeled in a scrum then there’s a greater force at play.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Tui: Your sense of humour is fucking atrocious. If you like the idea of having friends, it’s advised to slow down on the subpar memes.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Slab of Diesels: Getting cheated on took a major toll on your psyche. Realising they never loved you wasn’t the hard part; it was accepting how aroused it made you.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Kristoff & Raro: From a young age, you dreamt of university life. Sadly, you ended up here. What lacked in culture, you’ve compensated in alcohol, it’s a shame your organs will fail 20 years earlier than most, but at least you’ve achieved your dreams.