By Nexus
Apr 09, 2018

Horoscopes: 9th April 2018

Your Astral Projections for 9th to 13th of April

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Your insatiable thirst for validation leaves you in a perpetual state of loneliness. Fear not, simply start a fresh private Instagram account to satisfy your cravings for attention.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

A seemingly harmless hobby begins to take a dark turn, as the passing reflection of Mars shines truthful light. That wasn’t gear you racked up over the weekend, you’ve just been smashing back possum poison.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

As the fogs of June grow closer, one must learn to stand up for oneself. In order to survive the grueling winters of Hillcrest, it’s integral to not only take offence to as much as possible but to justify your opinions even though you’re blatantly wrong.  

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

The search for true love is long and arduous. Shakespeare said “love is not love which alters when it alteration finds”. Of course if you are reading Nexus, you probably aren’t looking for true love so just go on Tinder and get a meaningless sex life the rest of us.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

In order to truly be respected by your peers, it’s important to honour your word. It doesn’t matter if you’ve just been in a serious car crash, if you’ve committed to going out, there’s no excuse valid enough to excuse your absence.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)

Your constant need for approval is tiring to those around you.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)

Mortality is the curse of the mediocre and the substandard. Live life like you’re immortal and you will be rewarded. Take risks that others never would, except if they involve eating from the Momento cabinet.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

He’s a fuckin’ bastard, don’t worry hun. We know. The final evening of the fourth month will see celestial justice brought down upon those who’ve done you wrong. Patience is key.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

With Jupiter in orbit, comes the realisation that in every action there is a clear and attributable fault. In other words, take the dishes out of your room it’s been two weeks, and your flatmates are ready to kill you.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

The Goddess of Saturn is telling you to sort your fucking life out. You can’t sit on the couch all your life watching Netflix and smoking a bong. Of course, the Goddess of Saturn isn’t a real thing. You really need to get off the bong

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You’ve always wanted to be “that guy” but as you move through your University career, you are slowly learning that “that guy” is usually some management dude bro and is a skeevy douchebag who shouldn’t be left alone with your sister. Do better by being better.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

The accident was three years ago. So the fact that you still think these horoscopes are real is really disconcerting. Maybe it’s time to consult with a neurologist.

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