By Cameron McRobie
Apr 06, 2018

Tug Me Harder

The Crowd Goes Mild

A “tug of war” was originally defined as “the decisive contest; the real struggle or tussle; a severe contest for supremacy”.  This was only applicable pre-19th century before some schmuck took the phrase quite literally—clearly, they didn’t pay attention to the Oxford Dictionary’s use of analogy. Thus, the tug of war was born—giving corporate team building sessions everywhere another hurried excuse of a sport to include on the day’s schedule of events.

Though I’m sure the sport has a very self-explanatory name, here are some basic rules for anyone who had a mediocre 7th birthday party—playing only that fucked up game where you dress up and eat chocolate with a knife and fork. You know the one. Actually, when it comes to choc, go hard or go home—Willy Wonka didn’t have time for that cutlery cucking. Diabetes is a frame of mind.

International Comp Rules:

Teams of eight, reasonably hefty (or nuggety) lads and ladies – depending on the weight category.

Teams begin at either end of a long rope, marked with a centre line and two markings four metres to either side. Rope, in its purest form, is thicc.

Centre line begins directly above a line marked on the ground.

Once the “pull” has commenced, each team attempts to pull the other such that the four metre marking closest to their opponent crosses the centre line. 

Locking ya elbow beneath ya knee is a foul.

So is touching the ground for extended periods. 

Pulling the rope over the shoulders is also a foul; the rope must be held below the shoulders.

A fun little extra is a neutral zone moat, usually of mud or softened ground or croc-infested cesspits, which eliminates players.

Informal Rules:

Fuck teams of eight, have as many as you have friends.

Yank the cunts arms off. Don’t let Jim from accounts take home the corporate cup.

Break all the aforementioned rules, win at all costs. 

Tug of war exists in nearly every country in the world. The International governing body is known as The Tug of War International Federation, or TWIF.  TWIF holds a T.O.W World Championships biannually for the 53 countries that actually take it seriously. 

There’s not much more to say about tug of war; it’s a simple sport for simple people. Like powerlifters.  Nevertheless—for all of you about to graduate and gain employment under an unimaginative boss, enjoy your future team-building sessions.

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