Pisces: As a water sign, emotional revelations come with ease; though you’re worryingly shit at accepting what they bring to light. Learn to accept critique, they’re only trying to help.
Aries: If you’re checking this for further affirmation of your “fiery nature”, we’re sincerely sorry, hun. Maybe if you weren’t so obsessed with hitting over 100 Insta likes, you’d be a little more feisty.
Taurus: You may be starting to wonder if your sweat glands are overactive as we enter the third month of the year. Don’t worry, bud; an increased rate of solar absorption through your birth moon Lapetus will ensure you remain moderately moist for the duration of 2018.
Gemini: You’ve been getting hints for a while now that the hunky honey at Caltex wants to do more than get you from A to B, but we can now confirm that talk of “filling you up” was no euphemism. You’re just thirsty as fuck.
Cancer: It’s been six months and you still can’t let go. Just remember they emotionally checked out of your relationship three months prior, and moved on physically two weeks before you even broke up.
Leo: The thought of them may leave you crippled, but to them there is no thought of you. You’re no wallflower; you’re just a failed cliche with the inability to move beyond your teenage insecurities.
Virgo: As someone born under the loving gaze of Venus, you’re inherently desirable; however, only from afar. People want to want you, though it looks like nobody wants you enough.
Libra: Although your ability to handle intoxication is laughable, you should stop drinking anytime soon. Not only do you keep a night lively, but you’ll forever be the example of “how not to handle alcohol”.
Scorpio: A celestial murmur leaves you anxious. If you had better ear-cleaning practices, you may have actually been able to comprehend its wisdom - oh well. It’s advised to peruse the depths of your ear canal with cotton immediately.
Sagittarius: With Saturn in your orbit you’ll struggle to fit within a social hierarchy. Class clown may have worked in high school but here everyone wishes you’d hurry up and drop out.
Capricorn: Good tidings are headed your way. Congratulations young Capricorn, the genitalia you once inscribed on a toilet door has and will forever remain as a indicator of how skux you truly are.
Aquarius: All that time you’ve wasted thinking about your assignments should have be utilised developing the raw indie EP residing within. It’s time to enter your Dungarees and purchase the cheapest possible pouch of tobacco.